Demetri Martin – People and squirrels are very…

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find…


“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
-Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin – I like video games, but…

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video…


“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'”
-Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin – I like women, but you…

I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars…


“I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!”
-Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin – I think that when you…

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a…


“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.'”
-Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin – I love women, but I…

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of…


“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.”
-Demetri Martin