Demetri Martin – I think it would be…

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your…


“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.'”
-Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin – People and squirrels are very…

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find…


“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
-Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin – I like video games, but…

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video…


“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'”
-Demetri Martin